My heart is filled with hope, pain and sadness.
My heart is tearing into millions of pieces.
It's tearing in its own sweet pace.
My whole body, every part of it, is filled with so much pain.
The pain is so strong that my tears are flowing with no restrictions.
I try to hold it back, but it's too over powering and I can't control it any long.
My eyes are now running taps. I can't seem to off it.
I feel like I'm going to drown in my own tears.

I'm not love sick, or torn over someone.
I'm like this because of a drama.
I'm insane, thanks.
It's just too sweet and I can't help it.

Sigh, wouldn't it be filled with excitement, if our lives are like those in dramas?
It'll be filled with romance, laughter, excitement.
But what are laughter without anything to compare?
How do you know if you're happy if you don't experience sadness?
It's the same logic as how you differentiate good and bad people.
How do you know who are nice if there's no bad guys to compare with?

I'll stop this.
Drama awaits. Just another last two discs to the end of this drama.

I'll never stop give up on my dream.
别怕白日梦，对吗？
I will work towards it.

Exactly 10 more weeks to July 5.
The description above, I believe, will not even be a bit close to how I will feel on that day itself.
I can't bear to leave you guys here.
How can I leave my family? Especially my brother?
We've been together, fighting everyday over the little-est things ever.
It's weird to not even quarrel with you in a day.
My best friends, Alyssa Wee, Jerevien Poon, Nurul Haziqah, Verna Sukiat.
My good friends, everyone who have always been beside me, being there when I need someone.
I'm not going to list everyone.
I love every one of you and I mean that.
I'll leave Singapore with my heart not being in a whole.

Bye.

What's worse than leaving your friends behind in Singapore and going to a new unfamiliar place?
What's worse than having to go to a completely new environment, meeting people who can be awesomely nice, strange or just creepy.

My friends won't be able to send me off on the actual day of me leaving.
I'll be flying straight from Indo.
(Most probably..)

Waiting for Mommy to confirm with me.
If not, it'll be a morning flight from Indonesia to Singapore.
Then Singapore to Tokyo.
Then Tokyo to Los Angeles.

Sucks to be me.

Me: "How long will it take to learn driving?"
Mommy: "Depends on you. I think you can already, tinggal latihan aja."

Yay, Mommy believe in me. (:

Me: "Cause I want to join this Hip Hop class. But the class starts 12 May, ends on 30 June."
Mommy: "Now you have Japanese and Yoga, so how?"
Me: "I go back for one week before 12 May? In between my Jap class?"

Mommy says she can't make it because she's going to Macau and grandparents are going back to Indonesia.
Saying that I've to take care of my brother.. Again.

Me: "Then how?"
Mommy: "Don't know leh."
Me: "Mommy, if I want to join classes I just join ah, hehehe. I very bored at home. I go learn dance and stuff."
Mommy: "Ya sdh, you join aja. Soal driving nanti Mommy ajarin di LA jg bisa."

This conversation just showed that I don't have to go back to Indonesia until the end of June.
Which means I can stay in Singapore longer!
Or rather one choice being crossed out.
But I've other choices and I haven't make my plans yet!
Horrible.

Oh, there's some racing thing going on outside now.
I think it's either the Lamborghini club people, or the Ferrari club people.
So noisy.

Okay, back to topic.
I'm going to join a lot of classes to kill time.
I just called up my Piano teacher, lessons resume this Monday.
After a year plus. Finally.
I'm thinking of joining 3 dance classes.
In addition of my Piano, and I'm thinking of joining Guitar or Violin or Flute or Drums? Hahah.
Oh, and Tennis!

Which should I join?

Oh, the room just started to spin.
Bye.

Bollywood Fusion!
The instructor really knows me already.
Hahaha. Made 3 new friends today.
Saw one of them in a previous class before.
Two of them are adults, one of them is a student.
Hahah, exchanged numbers with the student.
Planning to attend more classes together.
Hehe.

I'm going to ask Mommy if I can join dance classes.
Bye.

The thing that I'm really scared of, is when there's something wrong with my eyes.
I was really scared that my current condition is really serious.

Thankfully the doctor said it's nothing serious.
Two eyedrops and some cream.

Back from the doctor in an hour's time.
Going out in another hour's time.
Bollywood Fusion.

xoxo.

My eye is still red.
My eye is hurting bad.
I'm scared something happened to it.
Hopefully the doctor will say nothing's wrong with it, and just give me a couple of medicine to make it feel better.
I don't mind not wearing contacts for good.
I can go for Lasik after next February, after I turn 18.

I won't be able to go to the doctor tomorrow.
They only open from 9am to 12noon.
They don't open on Sunday too.
I think I'll have to go on Monday instead. Sucks.
Unless I try to go tomorrow morning.

I don't even know when is my visit to the dentist again.

I shall control and stop myself from going to the supermarket to shop for snacks.
Bad for both my teeth, and my weight.
After the batch of snacks from my house is in whoever's stomach, and are gone from the food drawer, which is always beside me, I shall not get anymore snacks.

Ah, my eye really hurts.
I think it's because of the other day when I was putting on the facial mask.
Something went in my eyes.
I washed them straight, duh.
But the thing is my left one doesn't hurt a bit now. Only my right hurts.
When I took out my contacts just now, my left one was clear, my right one was a bit milky.
I'm super scared right now.
I am.
I'm having thoughts of what happened to my eye.
):

Oh, the food on the cooking show I'm watching now is really looking good.
But so fattening.
But so pretty.

I'm scared.

My right eye's giving me a lot of trouble.
It's always going red.
I need to have another visit to the doctor again.

School Anniversary.
It was okay, same as the past 4 years.
Most of the 4E1 went up stage today. Hehe.
Saw a lot of classmates, ex-classmates actually and juniors.
Missed them.
Didn't talk a lot of photos though.
Said "hello" to a handful of teachers. Mrs Kong came back!
She told Mrs Yong something. Mrs Yong told it to me when she came to me.
"Mrs Kong said you grew fatter." Then I was like, "Yeah, I know, nothing to do."
Hahah, we laughed over me going fatter because I've no school now.
And there's nothing for me to do.
But she said I'll lose weight when I go overseas, due to being miserable.
She's so cute. Hahah.

Had Prata after that, talked quite a bit with Haziqah & Verna. (:
Went home after that.

My eye's so red.
I better call up my doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully I can get a slot to visit him in the afternoon or evening.
He's a busy doctor. Busy busy busy.

Okay, bye!

I feel like blogging suddenly.

I feel like a super boring person.
A person with no life.
A mundane life.
With the same routine of waking up, doing nothing, killing the time by watching dramas and using the computer.
That's it.

I want an exciting life.
Every single time I see stars on televisions, I always wonder how is it to have a life like them.
Sure it has pros and cons.
Everything has their pros and cons.
Wouldn't it be exciting if I could have such an exciting life?

I wouldn't have to wake up and do nothing everyday.
I would wake up, with a packed schedule for the day.
Doing things that will take a lot of work, but that will be a lot of fun as well.
Making new friends and all.

Seriously, if I were a celebrity, wouldn't it be really cool?
How I wish I could have the chance to try to be one.

Acting, my interest ever since young. Hence my CCA to be English Drama in Tao Nan.
I don't know why it's been my interest since young.
It just is.
And I really hope to be an actress one day.
I wanted to take Theatre arts or something as a major, but Daddy doesn't allow.
I don't want my dream of becoming an actress to disappear like that.
I'll try my very best to make it come true.

Singing, Choir as CCA in MJR.
In Primary School, I remember my Mommy was on the phone with her friend.
And I was singing in the background.
And the next thing I heard was my Mommy saying that her friend is saying that my singing is not good.
Since then, my self-confidence crashed.
I never dared to sing in front of anyone ever again.
The irony of joining Choir in Secondary School.

In Lower Secondary, I know I was a super low-self esteemed girl.
I cry just by being asked to stand in front of the class to say some lines.
I agree I was a coward then.

I was scared of teachers, except for Mrs Tan-Sia.
(I'm sorry for the times we ignored your teachings and continued playing in the class ignoring your warnings. I didn't know how to respect you, until the end of Secondary 2, when I realised that it wasn't you who were losing out, it was me, myself who was losing out because it's my future that I was throwing aside. I'm sorry and thank you for teaching me for two years.)
I remember how scared of Mdm Tay I was.
I studied Chemistry really hard, and topped the class.
Chemistry was the only section of Science that I loved.
And have ever loved. At the end of Secondary 3 & early Secondary 4, I know I crashed.
I didn't study for a few important chapters. And my result dropped from an average of B to a F9.
See the difference in my result?

Wait, why am I talking about my results?
Let me get back to my story.

I was a coward, really. I was.
But in Secondary 3, I was slightly better.
Doing short skits before the class was alright.
It was fun actually.
Being in Choir also helped.
Fashion Parade for two years also helped.
I find myself singing in random places.
I even sit in Newton MRT Station and pretend to get bullied and whined super loudly.

Isn't that a sign of my self-confidence being better than before?

Okay, main point of my post is that I want a more fun and exciting life.
Actress is my main priority now.

Go ahead and laugh.

I need to sleep now. It's almost 330am.
I've Bollywood Fusion class at 11am.
That is 7.5 hours later.
Goodnight.

Had lunch with my Mommy, my Grandparents and my aunt (not related).
I feel so bad for eating so much.
Like, a small bowl of Fried Rice, two small bowls of Fried Fish Bee Hoon thingy (Mommy filled my bowl up after I finished my first bowl), a few mouthful of Hor Fun and my favourite, vegetable!
Drank a lot of tea. Good for digestion.
Oh, and I couldn't breathe again.
My breathing problem's back..

Mommy dropped me off at Eunos MRT Station, and went off to fetch brother.
After which, she went off to the Airport.
She's in Indonesia now.

Finally met up with dearest Haziqah and Verna!
Even though Verna left early for her class, but still..
At least we met up for a bit!
Missed you guys.

We met at Tampines.
So far from home. Tsk.

Walked around with Haziqah after Verna left.
She wanted to watch 17 Again, but the show was from 435 to 620.
And I had my Japanese lesson at 630.
So decided to walk around instead.
She was really happy because she bought her Jesse McCartney CD.
Then we went to Toys R Us. Memories...
Even though the things that we did wasn't at this particular Toys R Us.

Walked to Tampines 1, and combed the whole place.
She didn't know there's a new mall there. Hahaha.
Drank Bubble Tea, had Frozen Yogurt and the thing that I loved the most about today.
I had Lemper after so long! Delicious.
Haziqah wants me to work at that shop because she can visit me everyday after school.
But the main reason is not that. She only want the cream puff from that shop.
Hahah, I'm right right, Haziqah? (:

Talked a lot. Missed that.
Catch up with you two soon okay.
We shall meet up during the weekend of something.
More time to hang out.
Seeing you guys on Friday anyway. Hahah.

Japanese class was okay today.
I realised the working adults in the class are very noisy.
They think that whatever they say are funny, when it's not.
My brother commented this. "I think we're the matured ones."
Had Honey Stars during our break.
I love Honey Stars.

Okay, going for another session of Bollywood Fusion tomorrow.
Love that class.
I shall go for Yoga more regularly now.
Okay, bye!

I feel fat because my mouth had the sudden urge to eat something just now.
And because I ate almost all the fruits in my fridge.
I ended up eating Honey Stars, Chips and the Seaweed thing.
The amount of calories = The amount I lost during Yoga today.

Gah, I need to go for more Yoga classes.
Went for 2 classes today. Bollywood Fusion then Hot Hour.
BF was fun, HH was really tiring.
And my left knee hurts really bad.

I shall go for two classes whenever there are BF.
Hahah, or maybe I should go try Indian Dance.
I'm going to be a Indian dancer! Hahaha.

Oh, you know what I had today? Super little things consumed.
Like, 2 pieces of bread + Nutella + a packet of Milo for lunch.
After BF, ate the coffee bread thing + milk.
Then went for HH. Then came home, ate like a small amount of yogurt.
Drank Yakult and Milo.
Then my snacks I mentioned above.
Hehe, no actual meal. But I feel like I ate so much today.
I'm getting anorexic. Hahaha.
That's good. Just for the time being. After I finally am my desired weight,
I'll maintain but I won't eat so much like before.
Hehehe.

Ah, I need my retainers as soon as possible!
Oh and go to the gym too!
I'm crazy hehe.
I usually hate visiting dentists, because of the equipment they use and all.
How they will clean your teeth and all.
& make your gum bleed. Ah, I feel a pain in my gum as I'm typing this.
Reminds me of the other day, was it yesterday? I think so.
Ah, my memory's getting bad. This is what happens when you stay out of touch with books and all.
Without studying for like, 5 months so far.
And another 4.5 months. Save me.
Okay, getting back to my dentist story.
I can't believe I'm excited to go to the dentist next week.
Even though I know he might do up all the cleaning thing again.
Doing up my cavity thing up for my upper set of teeth thing.
Ah, what makes me excited is my retainers will be here!
How exciting is that? Super right? I know!
Hahaha.

I haven't decide on my June schedule yet!
Annoying.
I hate last minute decisions.

Was doing up the things for my Student Visa just now.
I feel so sad.
I'm going to leave soon.
I don't want to go.
I haven't meet up and spend time with friends.
School started, there's no time left!
& I want to go Taiwan for (heheh, Lizhen you know this too!).
Decisions. Decisions.

Hahaha, my mom was busy doing up something that she didn't realise it's already 3am.
She said she's going to sleep.
In the end, she continued doing up her stuff.
She's so funny.

Oh! I've something a shocking thing to shock my friends about.
Remember how I hate Chinese?
I've the urge to start studying Chinese again.
I even feel like learning the Traditional words, not the Simplified one.
And and, I want to learn a few dialects. Hahaha.
Oh, I'm wondering if I can continue watching my Taiwan entertainment shows in the US.
Ah, I hope they have the channels there.
If not I'll have to depend on Youtube. Which sucks.
Ahhhhh.

I want to learn up my piano. I shall continue in the US.
I'm going to learn until I'm super good.
& a few more instruments like guitar, flute, violin's not bad, drum's cool.
& dances.
I know I keep saying all these, but I never actually learn them.
But I will.
The motivation to learn all these in me, is like super super strong now.
I will!

I'm watching Kim Possible now.
It's so retarded.
Oh, I don't like Miley Cyrus.

My stomach feels weird now :/

I think I'm not going to sleep tonight.
I slept for like 10 hours yesterday. I feel like such a pig.
Like 6am to 4pm. Hahaha.
Horrible sleeping time. I know. I sleep when you guys wake up for school.
I shall revise my Japanese later. & do up the homework.
Since I'm meeting Haziqah tomorrow! After so long.
I can go gym tomorrow morning too!
Burn calories is the most important thing for me now.
Hehe, lose weight lose weight!
(:

Oh, my mom just said goodnight. After 30 minutes..
Okay, bye!

I really want to go Taiwan.
I really want to go Taiwannnnnnnnnn!!
(Lizhen, you know why!)

Okay, Silas asked me how many days before I actually leave on July 5,
90% leaving for the US on that day.
And it turns out I only have about 75 days til that very day.

I want to do so many things! I need companions.
But everyone have school. Sucks.

I have the sudden urge to treat my skin with super good care.
& my teeth, & my body, and.. Actually, treat everything with good care.
I want perfect skin! So, here I come skin care stuff.
I can imagine myself sitting in front of the mirror, applying countless number of things on my face, and ending with a mask or something.

I feel so lucky for having nice long eyelashes.
I have natural eyeliners. Hahaha.
But I hate it that I'm a little cock-eyed. Stupid lazy eyes.
Lazy eyes since 5 okay! Have been wearing specs for like, 12 years already.
Insanity.
I don't like my nose too, I don't know why is it a little bent.
But I know why my sister's a little bent. Super hilarious story.
I'm not going to mention it here.
That'll be super mean of me.

Oh, today was a Doctor's Day. I've no idea why.
Mommy brought me to the dentist, spent hundreds there.
Retainers are super expensive, I swear.
Then fetched my brother, went for eye check up,
and brother went to check his toe thing after that.
Ended the Doctor's Day at 5pm?
Including the meal we had at Gleneagles's Cafeteria.
Damn filling, walked home after that. Digesting of food. Hahaha.

Oh, I ate like quite little compared to the amount of food I consume a day last time.
Checking up on calories the other time with James really spooked me out.
I've been crazy ever since.
Going to lose __kg before June! I shall be 45kg or lesser by then.
Determination + Motivation = Success.
I think. Hahaha.

I only ate like, one proper meal today.
And I only ate 2/3 of it.
Only wanted to eat 1/2 of it, but my brother was full and didn't want to help me out with the rest.
And you know I hate wasting food..

I can't wait for next week! It should be next week...
Retainers will be here.
And I can just leave them on and not eat for the whole day.
Hahaha, okay, that's a bit insane.
But you get the idea.

I realised the way I type today is like, jumping from one topic to another super randomly.
The following paragraph may be of something that I mentioned a few paragrahs back.
Hahah, but I'm too lazy to change. So, have fun reading and cursing me secretly..

I wanted to say something.
I forgot.
OH.
I miss Su Jialin & Mui. See you guys soon okay! (:

Please take note that the 3 Stephs I'm going to mention below are all 3 different Stephs.
I know too many Stephanies.

Two of my friends were happy, and another two were down.

The two happy ones are my best friends
Alyssa being happy because I may be able to accompany her to New York this June, but nothing's confirmed yet.
Michelle is happy because she's no longer single. She messaged me early in the morning and I thought she was pulling my leg.

The two down ones.
One is sad because of going to a totally new environment, having no friends, scared of losing her secondary school friends and all.
Another is because of some complicated stuff.

They got me thinking about things.
About going to the US, losing friends because of lack of contacts.
About relationships.

I don't wish to lose my friends when I go over to the US.
It's going to be hard to keep in contact because of the time difference.
I'm not going to be able to meet up with them like before.
Even now, when all of us are in Singapore, it's hard to meet up because of their school and all.
How about next time when I'm in the US?
Wouldn't everything be over?
Tomorrow's the start of Poly, and it's going to be worse for me.
Everyone of my friends will have school, and what will I be doing?
Rotting at home. All of them are going to end school around evening time.
We won't even have the time to meet up.
I can't imagine what it'll be like the next time I'm back from the US.
Will we even meet up? Will we even keep in contact when I'm in the US?
Will it be awkward if we suddenly meet up after months?
I've so many unanswered questions in my mind.
I don't even know what to think now. I don't want to think about anything anymore.
But I just can't help it..
My brain feels like it's going to burst.

I don't want to lose contact with anyone.
I don't want to lose any friendship... Who does anyway?

Aik He said he wants at least a few old friends to be with him when school starts tomorrow.
But isn't it worst for me?
I'll be in a totally different country.
At least in NP, he'll have friends. Just that they are not in the same course as him.
He can still meet up with them and all.
I'll be alone, except for Steph who'll be with me.
Other than Steph, who can I go with? I wouldn't know anyone.
Everyone are total strangers to me.

I always listen to friends complaining about starting a new life in Poly or JC.
I mean, I don't mind listening to them, because that's what friends are for.
But, inside me, I'll start to feel sad along with them.
Do they even know I'm in a worse condition?
Oh well, I shall be nice and listen to them. I don't mind being sad with them.
One for all and all for one. Right?
We stick together, always.

I don't know how I'm going to survive in the US.
I don't know if I can make friends there.
I don't know how are the people there like.
I don't know if I'm friendly enough.
My friends say that I'm friendly, but I don't think so.
I don't think I'm friendly. Am I?

I think I'm gullible.
I don't know how I'm going to know who are my true friends, and who are not.
I don't know who to trust, and who to not trust.
I'm just that gullible.

Steph said that she found potential boyfriends for me.
Her friends' brothers.
Oh my god Steph, I'm not interested.
I don't plan to go into a relationship. Thanks.

Ah, I shall snap out of this mode now.
I shall start on a new drama. Yes, I'm still on my Taiwan dramas.
I've already ended more than 5.
And I still have about 5, and I'm going to get more.
I can hear my Korean dramas calling my name too.

Speaking of Taiwan.
If Lizhen and Steph really decide to go, and we can hang out with _____,
I will definitely go.
That'll be in the first week of June though.
But, Alyssa is leaving for New York either in the first week or the second week of June!
Actually, I haven't even ask mommy.
I need confirmation from Lizhen and Steph, before I ask mommy.
Lizhen, are we even going with Steph?
Steph, are we even going with you?
Ah, I don't know who are going. How about Chantel?
I need to know the details to ask mommy..

My June holiday schedule is super unorganised. So messy, so confusing.
I have so many places to go that I think I'm going bonkers.
Should I go Thailand to visit Mui?
Or should I go Taiwan with Lizhen & Steph?
Or should I go New York with Alyssa?
Or should I go back to Indonesia to learn driving?
Or should I stay in Singapore to hang out with my friends before I actually leave for the US permanently in early July?
Or should I go Canada to visit Jia?

But, where ever I do go, I've to be in Indonesia on July 4th for my cousin's wedding.
I'm confused. I can't make up my mind.

Mommy may want me to go back to Indonesia next week or something.
But only for 1 week. Go back and forth in between my Japanese lesson.
To learn driving, and to do something else.
I don't know. I'm so confused.

I've to fly to the US of A on July 5th because I've to check in with my school, Pasadena City College (PCC), by July 6.
July 6 is already the last day.
Orientation's on July 10.

So many choices.
My mind can't make up it's mind.

Help?

Been watching my drama every day and night.
Hahah. I'm addicted.
After my Taiwan dramas, my Korean Dramas are next in line.

Hehe (:

After about 2 or 3 days of being psycho,
my Internet decided to be a good boy again.

I miss youuuuuuuuuu! Hehehe.

My internet's screwing up real bad.
Sorry for signing in and out of MSN so frequently.
Ah, James think my Internet's jealous because I'm watching too much drama and ignoring it.
Hahah. Can't wait for daddy to come back so he can fix this or buy a new thingy.

Okay, bye!

Even though I felt that I was in a totally different world apart from usual.
I'm glad.
Made new friends, and that's great.
Even though I was tired and all today, but I had fun.

Strangers are just family who we haven't meet right?
Or something like that.
We shouldn't be afraid of meeting strangers.
Otherwise, how can we have more friends?
Weren't your best friends, friends or whoever beside you, once a total stranger to you too?
Be more friendly and sociable.
Who knows you might find another best friend, a great listening ear, or even the right guy right?
Open your heart... But know the limit as well.
Don't be gullible.

Feeling down over some stuff.
It's probably nothing to all of you but it's huge to me.
(Don't bother asking me what is it, it's nothing. Don't worry. I'm fine.)

Had the same wonderful, fantastic dream. Hahah.
Hope to go this June!

Will try to achieve it by next year (:
Hopefully.. I can.

<3

Had the most beautiful dream.
Wishing, and trying to work hard, to make it come true.

(:

It's freaking gone.
The video of you waving into my camera, the one that you smiled for my camera, the one where I was walking only an arm's length away from you with no guards behind you..
It's gone.

How can I lose such a video?
I'm sorry ):

It's going to be surprising to some...
But, I'm like hooked to Chinese songs and Taiwan dramas now.
Just watched Pi Li MIT, it is so freaking good.
And Aaron is damn cute inside. Tsk, how I wish I'm the female lead.
Hahaha. Every fan of his will want that.
He's a super good actor, and talented in Piano... He's the best hehe.

You know I finished the whole drama in like, less than 24 hours! HAHA.
Okay, bye! Next drama is waiting for me now.