I hope that I have no more school and that I can coop myself in my room with nothing but my laptop and blackberry. I need someone to assure me that things would be better than its current state. I need to know that it's not be being over-sensitive. I am trying my best. You know I am. I am just so overwhelmed with all that are going on and I don't know how to react in the proper way. I can't be myself at all, I feel so insecure. I am surrounded with people who I can call family and friends, but why do I feel so alone? I don't know how to be a person that everyone would like more. I am me and that's the fact that you can't change. I need a book to tell me how to be a perfect person. I don't have the ability to be a different person to each individual. I care too much for people, as some have told me before. I am afraid to lose people around me. I will just be so devastated if something like that happened. I need to be skinny. I am fat, obese and just fill this space with any other synonyms. I want to lose weight for many different reasons. I don't want to be looked by others to be someone who is not pretty. I don't wish to be seen differently by the people who I am close with. I don't want to hear people saying I am not skinny anymore. I am sick of hearing all of these things. I am a human being. I have feelings too. I am no longer the little innocent one year old girl who doesn't care about things that she hear from others. I have grown to be a little young adult and I will get hurt when I hear people saying I am heavy, fat and big-sized. I wish I was skinnier too. I don't want to hear from my relatives that I grew fatter, when I didn't. I don't wish to hear from them that I am fat. That is what hurt me the most. I just want to be seen as a normal-sized girl. I hate hearing that my clothes are big, so what if they are? I like big clothes because it covers my fats. I don't need to hear that from you. I don't need you to tell me that it is impossible for me to lose weight. I just don't really go on diet whenever I say I do. I can lose the weight that I want if I really want to do so. I lost weight since the first time I came here. I can lose any weight I want. I am here to tell you and to prove to you that I can do it. I am admitting that I cannot lose much from now until the day I return. I will, however, show you that I have lost some weight. I will show you again that I can definitely, undoubtedly do it the following time that I go back. I will keep my words and show you that I can do it. I am not afraid to publicly say that I will lose the weight that I am saying I will because that is how I work. I am sincere and truthful and I will not break any promises that I make - it doesn't matter if I'm making this promise to my own blog, to my readers, to my relatives, to my friends or to anyone for that matter of fact. I just wish to be me after that again.
This is the reason why I want to be anorexic so bad.
I hate the pressure that I am getting.
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